I haven’t conquered Sundays. They used to be awesome, the only day Archie didn’t work. We’d sleep in til 8ish, one of us would sneak and make coffee, then crawl back into bed. We’d wake-wake up to the smell of coffee and then we’d get up and get ready for church. Whoever was ready first, Taylor, Archie, or me, would start bagels toasting and pour the coffee in to-go mugs. We’d usually run late, but none of us cared because…it’s Sunday.
We’d come home and usually jamify for the rest of the day. Sometimes Taylor would go out with friends and Arch and I would have a movie marathon and drink coffee, all day. Very relaxing. Remember: God said it was suppose to be a day of rest and we took that VERY seriously.
I’ve told you this before but this is what goes through my mind….every Sunday.
Today I wake up….to me. Taylor’s gone with a friend, so it’s just the fury kids and me. I get them out and pottied (like having three toddlers), make sure their water bowl is full, then I can get me ready…but why?
Church is “NMC live”, because I still don’t want to face,”How are you doing?”. Dash, Archie’s dog, is pretty much connected to my hip, ever since chemo, so he’s on my lap for service(as usual). It keeps cutting in and out and makes it hard to follow. I almost give up and head there but….I’m not ready. We get through, Dash and I.
10:30…and a whole day to fill…. . Movies just aren’t fun without Archie pre-saying the lines, or commentating. It’s just not the same… . I got Molly and Max all set and leashed up Dashy. We walk out the door and sigh. Yep, let’s take the truck. That’s what Arch drove. I think this is the first time I’ve driven it since before chemo. Deep breath. We can do this.
Dash hops in excitedly. I’m…not so much. I take him to walk where Arch and I trained for the 5K. Archie loved that path. Dash hasn’t been out on a leash to walk in quite a while and has long since forgotten the command, “heel.” First he keeps pulling, then relaxed a bit but always wanted to be one body length in front. Over and over I’d give a quick yank with the single word,”heel.” He hadn’t been on this path for two years. He had no idea where he was going, yet HE wanted to LEAD.
We finished our walk, Dashy a little perturbed with me for not letting him have his own way. Thankfully, he doesn’t hold grudges. He showed his forgiveness by snuggling up to my leg on the way home. I can learn a lot from him… .
Home to care for fury toddlers 2 and 3. When all were tucked in, I started planning my “thank you” for my Heartfelt fam. Generic thank you cards for people who walk with me daily cannot express my gratitude. I get my game plan and text the objective to Taylor. With her help, we formulate a strategy and schedule a time for assembly. 3:00…….the yard.
We never do yard work on Sunday, but there’s no “we” anymore. I grab the rake to fill my afternoon with something….anything. As I rake I analyze my grief. I read last night about a man who decided he could analyze his way through the grieving process. When sharing this with a colleague, he realized he was explaining as if from the outside of the situation looking in. He knew at that moment, he would never get through it if he didn’t allow himself to FEEL the grief.
Well, that was him. I was thinking how ridiculous it is to be so emotional. It’s not like crying will change the situation. Anger, although much less, won’t alter the circumstance. I know I keep getting told not to “stuff” my emotions, but seriously, what do they change? So, let me just think through this rationally…what will it take for me to stop grieving?
Archie to come back….tears. This sucks.
2 Corinthians 5:7 “ For we live by faith, not by sight.”
Just like Dash pulling me, trying to lead when he didn’t even know where we were at, so I do with my heavenly Father. I want to lead. I want to figure out my next step so this will stop hurting….all the time…..but that’s not what is best for me, just like with Dash.
I can keep Dash safe and get him where he never dreamed he could go, because I know the path I have chosen for us. Likewise, though I argue my eyes are wide open and my sight is unimpaired, my Heavenly Dad says,”Have faith. Walk beside me. Don’t pull ahead. Don’t lag behind. I am with you. Take my arm and trust me to lead you down the path I have chosen for us to walk together. This is not a race and there are no shortcuts.”
I made it through another day and another lesson learned….through Dash.