How was your day? Mine was…singular. Actually, I really didn’t mind. Taylor has been trying to get me out of the house so the last two weekends we have ventured out and I come back exhausted. Too much, too soon, me thinks.
Today she had plans for the entire day. She kept toying with the idea of not going and kept asking my opinion. I finally asked,”Would you not go because you don’t think it would be fun or would you not go because of grief?” She thought for a bit and said, “grief.” Then I told her she should go. Life cannot stop and good memories still need to be made. We have to keep moving forward in order to go through the grief.
Yes, for all those that know me, this is a “do as I say, not as I do” moment. We all want what is best for our kids, even if they are adults. Besides, I’m a big girl. She can’t think she needs to “entertain mom” because dad isn’t there anymore. That’s not healthy. Mom has to learn to be…..single…..again. Archie and I were together since I was seventeen. I have never been an adult without him. We were always two for the price of one :).
There are steps I need to take on this journey to move forward. Even though I know this in my head, my heart doesn’t want to heal. Today I took the Christmas decorations to the shed. I’ve been fighting that….Archie surprised me with digging them out this year and putting them in place. How do you put away something done for you in love….? But I did….because I know it was the “next right thing to do.” Then I rested because that was emotionally draining.
I then got out the rake because I wanted to clean up the yard. I made it all the way to the front yard and then…….didn’t have it in me. I still count it as one very big step forward doing the Christmas decorations, even if others don’t see it that way. Baby steps.
Proverbs 4:25 “Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you.”
I did make another step forward. I faced my grief and looked it directly in the eyes: This afternoon I finally filled out my thank you cards from the funeral (although they are very generic and nothing like I would have chosen). An additional fear: I hope I didn’t miss anyone (fear of angering or hurting someone unintentionally). If I did, I hope they know that in my heart it was not purposeful. I agonize with what to write–a mental battle with each card–some canned responses, others more specific. Six and a half hours of struggle. I never thought thank you cards could be so excruciating.
Finally my day is done. I put the fury kids to bed, make a keurig cup of decaf, light a couple of candles and watch the steam roll off the rim of the cup. Like flames in the fireplace the steam licked the side of my cup then swirled and rolled into the air until they disappeared from sight. Over and over new waves formed, until what coffee I had left could produce no more. Sigh.
My attention turns to the candles. Encased in glass they illuminated the darkness….but that wasn’t enough. The glass was beautifully molded and created designs on the floor and cabinet…but it was just light.
I removed the cap and the breeze from the vents caught the flames and they danced! The reflections on the floor changed from a simple pattern to a choreographed ballet. I watched them chaine with the hum of the furnace for the orchestra. And then….it was time to write.
May your next day be filled with steps moving forward–even if they are difficult–and your moments filled with dancing. Good night dear friends.