Nights used to be the best time of the day! I’d look forward to climbing into bed and the chatter with Arch as he’d spooned me and continued to tell stories of his day. He was warm and I was always cold. It was the perfect combo. He’d put his arm around me, speak quietly and I’d fall asleep feeling….safe.
When Archie’s back issues started, spooning was not possible because he was unable to lay on his side. That was October. The stories were shorter as consuming pain stole focus, nights were also shorter and restless because he paced for hours.
Chemo brought sensitivity to touch so even a brush from one of the fury kids walking by was misery. Laying in bed surrounded my mounds of pillows to alleviate pressure points was the norm. Nights, with alarms every two hours for meds, became the enemy.
But now nights are quiet and cold.
You would think the quiet would bring peace and rest. Instead it screams of emptiness and ushers dreams of despair. Nights find anything but restful sleep. If I want a dreamless night I can take a sleep aid, but am trying to get away from the necessity. Without, my dreams are filled with the normal living of life w/out Archie, the comments people make, the realizations and holes that are left. It takes awhile to achieve slumber and then only lasts about four hours. Nights, again, are the enemy.
Taylor has 5.5 weeks of class left–yeah! She has an amazing GPA of 3.98…blah, blah, blah, and has been invited to a luncheon with the president of Grace. The most meaningful comment to her at the viewing/funeral came from a perfect stranger,”Your dad talked about you all the time. He was so proud of you.” She burst into tears.
Now her nights are consumed by dreams of disappointing her dad. She didn’t in his life, but now that he’s gone, that anxiety haunts her.
In our walk with Grief Share we have to label how our grief is affecting us and the way we function throughout the day. Taylor is tired all the time. A lot of that is the pressure of college so we both expect that to be alleviated somewhat after six weeks. Working full time, then coming home and doing college for six hours each night takes a toll. She is very strong and brave…..but is growing weary and loosing heart. Please help me pray her through. 5.5 weeks and counting… .
My mornings, if I actually sleep, are amazing and I usually wake up with hope and energy. I am always glad night is over and I do not have to deal with it again for at least 14 hrs. I do, however, feel the energy leaking throughout the day. Prior to Archie leaving, my energy level wavered very little.
When I leave work I am ready–yet not. Home to the quiet house, with Taylor working diligently on college, and night, looming…stealing away my time with dread. I’m too tired to fight it.
Psalms 30:5 “For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”
Grief: so many aspects. This is but one, but morning is coming…. .