Did you ever have a day you were dreading? You knew it was going to happen. You try to prepare for it the very best you know how, but when it arrives…..your very heart is pulled out of your chest and laid before our heavenly Dad, broken, with the question, “why now?”. You can’t breath, scream, or even cry–at first–and then when you do…..you can’t stop…..any of it. Today was my day. If you are in a judgmental mood, step awaaaaay from the blog.
Taylor posted a song on FB today. It speaks of the power of a moment. It wrestles with the idea of making your mark on history, if people will want to write about you when you are gone, and that we are not guaranteed our next heartbeat. She thinks she jinxed herself.
She is going to graduate college in 2 months and 4 days, not to say we are counting. She struggles with what her purpose is, if she will use her degree, or if she will matter to the people she spends her time with. The last is eating at her from the inside out.
Archie’s work has asked me a couple of times if I am ready to clean out his office. They have offered to box it up for me, but everything is still not real. I put away a little at a time from the funeral, and then I rest. For weekends, I put on my jammies after work on Friday and after each shower they go back on, until Monday morning when I head in to work. Even the thought of meandering, except for all the “have to’s”, exasperate me. Besides, everyone keeps telling me to, “take my time”. “I don’t need to rush”, right? Why is it everyone keeps saying those words but they don’t seem to apply ANYWHERE?!?!?! Bills have to be changed to my name, license plates have to have his name removed, medical bills for someone no longer here are pounding at my door, and now I need to clean out his office, but I have time….don’t I?
From the day we buried Archie, Taylor and I both said the next hardest day was going to be the day they painted over Archie’s name on his parking spot at work. Then it will be as if he was gone all over again and they had moved on. After being asked the second time to clean out his office, 2 wks and 6 days after Archie went home, I grabbed some boxes, made arrangements to go in way after hours so I wouldn’t have to face anyone, and drove to his work. That’s when my second hardest day began because….he was gone.
For all of you who are wondering if you will leave your mark on history let me make a suggestion: don’t sell your moments….give them away. People, your family for sure, need those precious moment. Memories are made in those moments. Choose to spend the precious moments you are given with people who will value those memories for a lifetime. Those are the individuals who will remember you daily, see you in everything you created or enjoyed, and want to write about you, like I do about my precious Archie.
Psalm 90:12 “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”
Please remember this: If you sell your precious moments to someone who values what you do more than who you are, it only takes a can of spray paint and thirty seconds to erase the beacon of position for which the significant others in your life sacrificed the most. Time with you. Think about it.