In Spite of Me

Our heavenly Dad was very quiet today…. . Usually he shows up in odd places and I LOVE looking for Him and listening to His quiet whispers. Often, I would tell Archie the stories of inanimate objects portraying various aspects of my loving Father and Arch would smile, his eyes squinting ever so handsomely, and he’d say, “You need to write.” Always my biggest fan… .

Today, though, I’ll admit I wasn’t very focused in the upward direction. A letter came in that threw my plan to keep safe shelter, into turmoil. Heartfelt graciously allowed me to rearrange my hours to leave early and “take care of business.” Taylor says it feels like we always have some sort of business waiting to be taken care of. Honestly, grief stands in line. Someday…. .

We turned the letter over to the funeral home so they could verify proper application. We had enough time to run to the BMV…..grief takes another step back.

You see, time and deadlines don’t care about death, loss, or grief. The hands continue to persist, one minute pushes to the next. Our vehicle license plates are due in March, which made it’s appearance yesterday. Simple task, don’t you think? Not when mortality has been introduced. All titles must be transferred to legally register a vehicle. The short definition: Archie’s name had to be removed from our titles in order to renew our plates. Sigh. Two steps back for grief. Solemn steps forward to do what must be done.

Taylor follows to ascertain the steps to be taken should I join her dad. Disheartening for a 21 year old but the life lesson is learned. Janice was gracious at the BMV and very patient. We almost made it through, but I had to sign Archie’s name over and over and write in the position box, “deceased.” After the last signature, grief stepped to the head of the line. My heart hurt again and…..I leaked.

We have been blessed beyond measure in an odd area: coffee cards. We received them as Christmas gifts, we gave them to each other for birthdays, and sympathy cards containing them have been warmly welcomed. We used to view them as a gift of time spent with people we love, not that we still don’t….deep…..very deep, down inside. Right now we view them as quite comfort. After completing difficult tasks on this journey, since we have gift cards, we look at each other and say, “coffee?” It is not like it was with Archie: devotions, games, coffee, and laughter. Now it’s quiet, warm, and creates time for contemplation.

Our to-do’s complete, tears in check, and coffee in hand, we head home for….more to do’s. Taylor hits the books hard, as every night. I must scrounge to find Cobra paper work and extended dental coverage info. More envelops, more folders, more, more, more. STOP!

Stop, says my heavenly Dad. Rest, and reflect. Think….remember….grieve. It’s time.

You…..are my Archie. You are his dream for me. I write because he wanted me too, and though the hour is late, I will obey, in love and honor.

As for my heavenly Dad?

Deut. 31:6 “So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”

He’s been there all day, even when my plans get scary and go awry. Heartfelt–is truly that, and God uses them to help me through my mess called “life” right now. He sent Brant at the funeral home, Janice at the BMV, and Taylor to drive me when I didn’t even ask. He graced us, undeservedly, with “free” cups of comfort.

If I didn’t see Him, it’s because I was focused on me. If I didn’t hear Him, it’s because I wasn’t listening. God showed His love for me in spite….of me.

 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *